She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
