hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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