I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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