Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
