I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
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