Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
