If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
