I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
