I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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