his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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