I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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