also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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