Whod you bang
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
