I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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