hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
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