I think my vagina is haunted
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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