Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
