Kiss
Puke
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
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