I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
