FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
