Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
