Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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