I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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