You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
