Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Randomize
