I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
