I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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