In America we eat man semen.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
