He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
