i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
