This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
