Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
