Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
not ubering you a puppy
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
