Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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