gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
