I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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