I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
True but thats because hes a fetus.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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