Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
