I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
