some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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