my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
