What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
my being single is dangerous.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
