my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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