I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
