i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
you didnt know i had herpes?
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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