Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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