Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I believe in your delicious
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
