Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
