update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
