My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
